Amazon Shareholders Thrilled as Company Perfects Art of 'Money Making Money.'
The E-Commerce Giant Reported Staggering Profit Growth, Largely Due to Simply Owning a Piece of an AI Startup, Proving Physical Labor Is for Suckers.
Seattle, WA – Amazon, the retail behemoth synonymous with logistical mastery and aggressive market dominance, today announced record-shattering profits, sending analysts scrambling to praise the company's "innovative" new strategy: holding assets. The vast majority of the S&P 500 powerhouse's latest earnings surge came not from fulfilling orders or cloud services, but from unrealized paper gains on its investment in AI firm Anthropic.
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