Patriots, Merchants Declare July 4th Sweltering an ‘authentic American Experience’

Patriots, Merchants Declare July 4th Sweltering an ‘authentic American Experience’

Retailers Report Record Sales of Sweat-Wicking Flags and Emergency Electrolyte Popsicles as National Spirit Endures.

As temperatures across the nation soared to historic, lung-collapsing highs, millions of Americans valiantly endured a brutal July 4th, reframing widespread heat-related illness as an essential component of patriotic celebration. Despite public health warnings urging caution, revelers packed parks and plazas, exchanging tales of near-syncope for prime views of drone light shows and slightly-too-hot hot dogs.

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