Salina Declares July 4th a 'Mandatory Fun' Event, Citing Years of Underperforming Patriotism

Salina Declares July 4th a 'Mandatory Fun' Event, Citing Years of Underperforming Patriotism

Town Officials Unveil Ambitious Plans to Ensure 100% Resident Participation, Including Timed Patriotic Enthusiasm Checkpoints.

Salina, KS — In a landmark move designed to curb what officials are calling "historically anemic displays of national pride," the city of Salina has formally declared its annual Fourth of July celebration a "mandatory fun" event. This year's lineup, meticulously curated by the newly formed Department of Compulsory Festivities, includes a 9 AM "Freedom March of Mild Discomfort," where residents are expected to maintain a 70% smile-to-grimace ratio, monitored by drones equipped with proprietary facial recognition software. Participation is not optional, with fines ranging from a stern talking-to for "subdued flag-waving" to community service for "excessive apathy during the national anthem."

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